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Queer

So I've finally started coming out as queer to some of my friends. Some of the responses have been marvelous.
"Aw. I'm so glad you're finding a space (not just at the LGBT meeting) to learn more about yourself. If I can do anything to be supportive, just let me know."
"I'm so proud of you and honored you would confide in me!! Yay pride! I love you too!"
And from my uncle "You are awesome and loved with any label." -I cried when I read this!
"Hearing this is on the level of learning that you don't like cooked peppers. Could be important, but doesn't change my opinion of you at all :-) Sexuality doesn't affect awesomeness."


However, not all replies have made me feel good. Here's how a conversation with my closest friend went:
Me: "So I'm going to a LGBTQ meeting today on campus. I think I'm finally owning up to something."
Him: "What might that be?"
Me: "Well I always feel like I'm the Q part that the LGBT forgets to include most of the time. Queer and/or Questioning. I'm just tired of not feeling like I can talk to people about it. I can there."
Him: "Can you explain definitions/questions?"
Me: " A long time ago you and I had a talk about how labels are lacking when they are too general. I gave you a list of very specific words to describe some aspects of me. Haha, I forget them now, but let's just say that when I've said in the past that I hate being a girl... I honestly mean that. On some days, I don't want to be a girl while on others I totally accept that and I dig it. But part of me can't picture growing up to be an old lady, just an old man. I'm very masculine, but I'm not trans. I am who I am, and I accept that. However sometimes, I don't feel straight when I look at guys. I feel like I want them in a gay butt-pounding way. Falling in the 'Q' spectrum is hard to explain because I don't feel like any group fits me. I just feel queer. Literally queer in the old dictionary way. That's why when we talk about being straight or gay, I just say I like penis. Lol, it's just easier to say it like that. I thought we talked about this before."
Him: " I believe we had, but that time it made more sense to me. I don't know that I have any input other than I am glad you're you."
Me: "*Sigh* I hate that what I am doesn't make sense. That's why I'm hoping to start going to LGBTQ meetings."
Him: "It does kinda. Anyway, nobody really makes sense without trimming to fit into a label."
Me: "Well I just wish when I tell people, I'd get a different reply than 'i don't get it.' People get 'gay,' 'lesbian,' or even 'trans' no, but not 'queer.'"
Him: "Yeah, but check it out. It seems like a great resource to explore."


Part of me is stuck on how he said that it made more sense before, but not now and how what I am only kinda makes sense. I don't always get him, but I don't say, "Who you are doesn't make sense." I tell him that he's a good person and I care about him. What I told him before was I'm a genderqueer, crossdreaming, crossenacting, all-encompassing androphile. He checked those words up and came to the correct conclusion that I am a woman, who views herself as having equivalent male/female aspects or that I sometimes lean further towards feeling nether gender really applies. I, at times, idealize myself as a man and dress and act according to that ideal. And finally I have a preference sexually/emotionally for men. Maybe because I live with this daily, I feel like it makes perfect sense. It's sad that using labels actually made more sense to him than us talking.

Avoiding my life.

It's been a long time since I've posted on my live journal account. I guess I haven't really wanted to reflect too much on my life since January. My job's been good, but it also hasn't been anything special. I could talk about the people and how they are really an interesting group, but you know... I don't really want to reflect on it. A job's a job. But my life... well... it's just been slipping away. I feel like time is just moving so fast and yet so slow. My time spent just disappears. My time waiting for my new chapter in life is just creeping slowly closer in time.

I've been avoiding my house, avoiding my family, avoiding emotions, but I am surrounded by them all. I need to focus on something, but what? Lol, I really want to focus on sex, but that is nonexistant in my life. Dating has been put on hold. Looking at schools and majors is slowing down. My art still is progressing. My gender dilemmas are hidden because my living situation doesn't allow me to address them. I'm currently living in a small town where anything out of the norm seems to be suppressed. I've thought about going to work in drag, but I don't think that'd go over well even though it's a factory. So right now, I'm just living day to day, trying to figure out if being homeless for a while is better than living where I do. I guess I should just try harder to find a way to live how I want. However, finding a short term (3 month) lease is hard to do.

I also want to cut my hair short an dye it blue. However, my desire to be Beetlejuice for Halloween is stopping me from doing that. Lol! Halloween is my favorite! And I will not ruin my costume. Beetlejuice trumps my fickle hair desires. I think Beetlejuice is what is keeping me sane this year. Years in the past, it's been Meatloaf, Tenacious D, Ernie and Bert, of Phineas and Ferb.

Arguements, Anxiety, and Loneliness

Life's been hard on me lately. I have had the misfortune of moving back in with family since I left a job where I was getting harassed. I thought it'd be okay living with my dad. Not great, of course, but okay. Boy was I wrong. I have had many issues with my dad ever since I can remember, but since my mom divorced him, I thought he was getting better. He seemed to actually understand that he was damn lucky that his kids still visited him. I don't think he ever understood that he was verbal abusive to us all. I thought all that shit was done and over with, but of course, I was proven wrong. It had been only two days since I moved back, and it already happened. He blew up and started screaming at me for nothing, and I mean absolutely NOTHING. He even admitted that I see him more than anyone else in his life and that he was just taking out his issues on me. Admitting this might be a start, but did he apologize or say he wouldn't do it again? No. He never does. He never will.

So now, I'm avoiding where I'm supposed to be living, holding my tongue about shit that matters, and just waiting for a call back from the temp agency that said I'd be working 55 hours a week but has only given me 5 last week. Thank god, I have another place I can crash at, but I really just want some stability. I want to have somewhere where I can feel like I'm home, where I can work on art, and where I can just be me. 2013 was life changing, but 2014 has been off to a very rough start.

I'm just hoping that things get better.

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An Interesting Dream

Gosh it's been a wile since I've been on here, but I'll talk about that later. I had an incredible dream that I wanted to share.

I was a soldier in the German Army even though it seemed American. It was a low-key training day, and me and a few of my buddies were messing around. We were laughing, playing pranks, and enjoying our time off. We were all in uniform, not camo but the pressed button-up jackets. For some reason mine was purple while theirs were green. I wasn't sure why the army was switching to purple, but I could see that the drill Sergeant had one too. I went to run off to the dock and goof off in the water, when I saw the Chinese coming. This was it! They were moving in for a strike! I ran back to tell the others, but I stopped at the school house first where there were a few teachers and tons of children. They were like family to me, and I had to try to save them. I gathered them up and moved them away from the doors and windows, telling them to stay quiet and low to the ground. I was unarmed and in purple so I took of my helmet, hoping that if anyone where to come that they wouldn't recognize me as part of the army. This would maybe prevent them from killing all the children just to kill me. However, it wasn't the Chinese army who came in.

Women with green flowing blankets over their faces came in. We weren't sure who they were, but they started taking the children and women away. They were Chinese women, posing as non-threats, so they could capture civilians. I tried to stop them, but that's when the army came in. I knew I had no chance to save anyone else and little to save myself, so I ran off to a spare room where there were crafts and fabric. I threw off my jacket and threw on a green flowing blanket to try to blend in with the Chinese women. As the army rushed in, I wandered through the building looking for some escape. I found a Chinese garb and adorned it loosely, while still covering my face with the green cloth. A ran into a Chinese man who, thanks to dream 'timey wimey,' had grown to love me and care for me, thinking that I was Chinese. We grew dear and near to each other, and he was always looking out for me. It felt like I had known him for a lifetime even though I only had been trying to escape from the Chinese for only a few days. As I tried to still escape, I had wandered into a medical building where I was recognized immediately as being German. I guess the doctors were smart enough to notice my blonde hair and light complexion. They didn't know who I was, but they now knew that there was a German running around.

I ran. I ran to my man. He had been the only kind of protection and shield to others catching on to me being German. He saw I was upset. I started telling him that I loved him, which was true. Time was moving so fast and so slow. All I knew was that I had to leave but I wanted him with me. Upon hearing my outburst of emotion and love, he asked me to marry him. I knew I would if I could, but I had to leave. How could I say yes when I knew it wouldn't last? He then said we could go to Augusta, a town north of us, 40 hours away to get married. North! That's where the prisoners, my family, had been taken. I agreed while hiding my alternative motives for freedom and for rescuing my family. We departed toward the city and traveled by the worn and weathered bones of a car. I saw the camp where I knew my fellow Germans were being held. I asked him if we could stop for a bit. He stayed in the town while I took a walk. I wandered away, toward the border between the two hostile sides, wondering how I could leave the Chinese safely while entering the German barricade with neither side perceiving me as the other. I made it in. Once inside the German sector, my persona changed. I was no longer fearful. I was strong and mission driven. To save those I loved, I had to find my Sergeant to make a plan.

After learning of the whereabouts of the prisoners from my old Sergeant, I crossed back to the Chinese side and freed my family. I snuck them into a building as I went and found my soon-to-be-husband. I asked him if he wanted to meet my family before we wed. He was delighted and very grateful to hear that they were nearby. As we approached, I could see the children and women in the shadows grow more and more nervous as they saw a Chinese man and a woman in green cloth come close. I took of my cloth and held my husband's hand as I introduced him to the Germans. His face grew heavy with sorrow. He knew then that our marriage wouldn't last during this time of unrest between the two nations. His eyes were filled with tears as he agreed to help us out of the town. They huddled into the back of the vehicle with a dirty cloth draping over them to hide their escape. He stopped just past the border. We held hands, trying to figure out if I could return with him. I told him that he saved my life and I would repay him with mine by returning with him. Streams ran down his cheeks. He told me if I were to be discovered and killed for it that he would have no life worth living. We kissed. I told him, I'd continue fighting for this war to end, and when it did, I would go running back to him.

Then I woke up. Wow.

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So everyone has problems, and I have one that I've been wanting to share because I really want help with it. However, I know that if I tell people, it will forever taint their opinions of me. Because my problem comes with a name. Thief. I don't want to be known as a "Thief" because that is not what defines me. Not at all. But I have a problem. I want help, but I don't want the title that I could get if I asked for help.

My problem is that I don't have money and what I do have goes to just surviving. I'm tired of just surviving. I've found ways to take things what won't be missed. Or I'll switch tags on things to get better deals on gifts. Gifts are my problems. I always want to give nice gifts and treat other people to nice times. But when you don't have much, it's hard to do that kind of stuff.

I did end up telling a friend of mine, because he's going through AA and can relate to my dilemma. Of course he says I should tell. But what about my job, my good name, my future? I want to not have it known because it could definitely affect my entire future. I'm just tired of feeling like I suck. Like I suck because I want to do nice things, give nice things, and have some nice things (like socks without holes or a book) but can only accomplish that right now by being sneaky and doing something I know is wrong.

I'm just trying to stop, but every once in a while I get that itch and it gets into my blood. It's been months now, and I want so bad to stop. I hope Lent helps me. I just gotta stop, and I wish I had the support to make this easier.

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So time has passed, I went crazy, started seeing a psychologist, got the flu, and now feel like my life is way more on track than it has been for years. I've been looking for other jobs, trying to find a way to work hand in hand with nature. Right now organic farms and Appalachian rail upkeep seem like good leads. I've been applying to jobs like it was my job! Lol. 

I have found that I really just want to live in nature. Soon I will be 28, and I'm hoping to be living out in the depths of the earth's forests by July 4th. That's when Thoreau did it. So why shouldn't I be able to? At first I though I could just live in a camper. However, where would I live and what would I be doing? Then, I was looking at land, but I do not have enough money at all for it. So I started searching for jobs. This is when I love the internet the most. It helps me find what I never thought was even existed. 

Also I've been working hard on a comic for my sister. Her birthday's coming up and I need to get it done. It's been long over due. The only thing preventing me from working on it at work was that I was applying for jobs while I was at work. I'm actually there right now. Thank god it's been so super slow. I like having my departments not getting messed up so I can work on self improvement instead of stupid meaningless tasks. Fuck Work! Lol, nah I'm just kidding. I do appreciate my job. I don't necessarily like it, but I do appreciate it and try to always do a good job. Minus this week. But one week isn't that bad. 

I've also been able to talk to people about life, religion, and dreams. One of my friends, a very dear and kind friend, and I were talking via email. We always talk about religion because it is thought provoking, and he's a minister. At one point, he said something about a passage in the Bible stating that Jesus was God in his entirety. My reply is about my issues with the 'infallibility' of the scriptures, the manifestation of God in people, and the weird gesture the Bible says God made through Jesus. Hope it's a good read.

Here was my reply:


"I mean if I saw the Bible as being infallible, then this passage would have proved it a long time ago. Lol! It would've been so easy to prove that Jesus is God if I believed 100% in the NT. Ya know? :) The tricky thing is proving Jesus is God without relying on the Bible so much.

But I mean, if it is God's word, it's been passed around by people and recorded by people. Still there is definitely value to it, but I don't know. I mean I look at how I see and hear God, and I know that if I were to record on paper my experience, it would be limited by our language and my own ability to capture with words something so wonderful and indescribable.

It could still inspire people to go out and search for God and try to connect with God, but it would not be the truth. It would be my experience of the truth and then someone else's search for their interpretation of my recollection of my experience with God. See how there's tons of grey area there? That's how I feel about the Bible. I still feel like it provides hope, a message of love, and inspiration to search for God and meaning.

I know the message of the NT is Jesus is God, he has showed us the way, and through his death we are saved. There is no denying that that is a main theme and message. I still struggle with that message and especially the cross, but I feel that I now have a different perspective. You're right though that something did seem to "click" last time we chatted. It's interesting to view Jesus as being the full manifestation of God vs. just being a man claiming to be God. I'm still viewing the same doctrine, I can now just look at it differently. However, I'm still figuring it out.

My whole life, I've looked at Jesus one way, never having the NT make sense. Now I can look at it differently, but it's going to take a lot of time to see it different than how I have in the past. I think time, reflection, and searching will help.  

One thing I still wonder about though is if Jesus is God fully manifested, but if God manifests a small part of himself in all of us, why does Jesus's death matter SO much? Doesn't a part of God experience death when any of us children die.

I mean I've always understood God as a creator and as being with his creation. And, I mean, his creation dies ALL the time. In the Bible he even kills his own creation, and it seems like it hurts God to do so. So why is Jesus's death such a big deal? Couldn't we be 'saved' even without that gesture? Isn't it really just a gesture; God just saying "Hey I've been there with you, lived and died for you, and now I'm here for you?" Was it a gesture? A display to wake up some people? And help them see how to live.
I don't know."

So it's been a good break from LJ. I'm very happy with where I'm going. I just hope all my searching for jobs and meaning pans out. :) Well this was a long post, so I'm going to leave it at this. Thanks <3

~Peace

Friends? *sigh*

So today I had a great cup of joe with a great friend, and we talked about friendship. We talked about amazing friendships and fair-weather friends. And then we talked about how I'm thinking about dropping a friend of 8 years. It's a really rough decision, but I've come to realize that I don't think she's healthy for me. 
...
I'm just left debating it. I'm left debating what makes some one a friend and just how much unfriendly behavior makes someone no longer a friend. I've been hurt many times by this girl. I've gone to her during hard times and have been told to "Suck t up!" when I felt lost without a place to call home. I've been called arrogant by her and dismissed as stupid when I stated that I paid $1250 for a class and I wanted to get something out of it since that's a hell of a lot of money (two years of saving to be exact). I've confided in her that I liked someone and she continued to tell me that she wished he didn't like her as she took him home with her. That one stung. And now I watch I watch her date my friend, listen to her complain about him, etc as I go drink with him, trying to help him figure out why she doesn't want him and what he can do to work it out. And I sit there with him, telling him how great he is, how lucky she is, all the time trying to keep them together because he loves her and that what friends do. Friends help friends with their dreams. She told me that she thought it was alright to take him home because she didn't think I really liked him. He just seemed like something else on my "maybe I'll do this in the future" list. That stung. Just because I'm working on making my future a good one and it's taking a damn long time, doesn't mean that my dreams are on some sort of fake list... that they're not real goals... that they'll never come true. God, this is why I struggle being her friend. 

I don't feel wanted, cared about, that I'm seen as an equal, etc. I feel like when I have a problem, it's dismissed. I do feel sometimes appreciated, but other times I don't feel like what we do together needs me or just some person. I just feel like I am some BODY for her to be with. I'm a fill in. But there still is something that makes me feel like her friend. We've had great times. We've walked the streets and talked about the crazy adventures of our lives. We've shared good food, good times, secrets, and more. How do I balance how much negativity I can handle? How do I know if this is who she's becoming or if she's just going through something? How can I find out when to call it quits? 

Hmmm... I need to think about this a lot more. I just wish we didn't work together. If I could get away from her, then maybe time would smooth things out. 

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The wild woods are calling... again.

There are many times when I think I'm going crazy, and what it turns out to be is that I want to run from society, modern life, and people and run to the woods. It happened again a few days ago, and I started to pack my backpacking gear. I had no where to go nor the means of going any where, but in my mind, I had to get ready. If this were the days of the old west, I would've been a pioneer in a heartbeat. Now... I'm not sure what to do, but I'm ready for it when it comes!

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