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Queer

So I've finally started coming out as queer to some of my friends. Some of the responses have been marvelous.
"Aw. I'm so glad you're finding a space (not just at the LGBT meeting) to learn more about yourself. If I can do anything to be supportive, just let me know."
"I'm so proud of you and honored you would confide in me!! Yay pride! I love you too!"
And from my uncle "You are awesome and loved with any label." -I cried when I read this!
"Hearing this is on the level of learning that you don't like cooked peppers. Could be important, but doesn't change my opinion of you at all :-) Sexuality doesn't affect awesomeness."


However, not all replies have made me feel good. Here's how a conversation with my closest friend went:
Me: "So I'm going to a LGBTQ meeting today on campus. I think I'm finally owning up to something."
Him: "What might that be?"
Me: "Well I always feel like I'm the Q part that the LGBT forgets to include most of the time. Queer and/or Questioning. I'm just tired of not feeling like I can talk to people about it. I can there."
Him: "Can you explain definitions/questions?"
Me: " A long time ago you and I had a talk about how labels are lacking when they are too general. I gave you a list of very specific words to describe some aspects of me. Haha, I forget them now, but let's just say that when I've said in the past that I hate being a girl... I honestly mean that. On some days, I don't want to be a girl while on others I totally accept that and I dig it. But part of me can't picture growing up to be an old lady, just an old man. I'm very masculine, but I'm not trans. I am who I am, and I accept that. However sometimes, I don't feel straight when I look at guys. I feel like I want them in a gay butt-pounding way. Falling in the 'Q' spectrum is hard to explain because I don't feel like any group fits me. I just feel queer. Literally queer in the old dictionary way. That's why when we talk about being straight or gay, I just say I like penis. Lol, it's just easier to say it like that. I thought we talked about this before."
Him: " I believe we had, but that time it made more sense to me. I don't know that I have any input other than I am glad you're you."
Me: "*Sigh* I hate that what I am doesn't make sense. That's why I'm hoping to start going to LGBTQ meetings."
Him: "It does kinda. Anyway, nobody really makes sense without trimming to fit into a label."
Me: "Well I just wish when I tell people, I'd get a different reply than 'i don't get it.' People get 'gay,' 'lesbian,' or even 'trans' no, but not 'queer.'"
Him: "Yeah, but check it out. It seems like a great resource to explore."


Part of me is stuck on how he said that it made more sense before, but not now and how what I am only kinda makes sense. I don't always get him, but I don't say, "Who you are doesn't make sense." I tell him that he's a good person and I care about him. What I told him before was I'm a genderqueer, crossdreaming, crossenacting, all-encompassing androphile. He checked those words up and came to the correct conclusion that I am a woman, who views herself as having equivalent male/female aspects or that I sometimes lean further towards feeling nether gender really applies. I, at times, idealize myself as a man and dress and act according to that ideal. And finally I have a preference sexually/emotionally for men. Maybe because I live with this daily, I feel like it makes perfect sense. It's sad that using labels actually made more sense to him than us talking.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
vodkabeforenoon
Dec. 3rd, 2016 01:20 am (UTC)
People just want to figure you out and somehow that means you need a label. I do understand and I hope things are going good for you. I know for the past three plus years I have struggled working towards a traditional field of study (Forestry) I dealt with a lot of question marks just about looking 'female' and liking women. Somehow they expected me to look 'butch' and thought I was deceiving them (how dare I look attractive and they can't have me!). Even when I transitioned from saying I am bi and then realizing I am pan has been a struggle for people to understand.

Anyway, if you see this you should say hi to me and tell me where you are now online. <3
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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