- Current Location:off my bike
- Current Mood: sore
Some days life is unexplainable, but I still try to explain it.
I was lucky enough to spend the day with a god friend and her boyfriend, listening to them play banjo and guitar and piano. It was lovely and just moving. I felt a type of happiness from their music that made me feel incomplete because it was so grand. And now I sit at a coffee house after such joy, and I feel empty. I feel untalented. I feel sad. But I'm still feeling, which is good. I've been dabbling at writing and that too makes me feel untalented. I've been wanting to type up my stories and post them here, but I no longer seem to have an audience, which is totally fine except when I do want feed back. One of my favorite LJ friends, vodkha before noon, left and I do have to say that I miss her art and her humor. Too bad in real life we did not know each other because I do miss her. I'm in this weird limbo state of my life where things have finally seemed to stand still. I'm no longer fighting to not move backward but I'm not at a point where I have figured out how to move forward. I'm left looking in many directions, not knowing where to go. I look to the skies and feel small but connected to everything. I look toward the south and feeling the calling of the mountains, knowing that I'd be leaving my family. I look to love and know that its bound to fail. I look to my friends and see them moving further away. I look at my hopes and dreams and see my short-comings getting in my way. I look around and know that I'm lost. Oh well. I'll just float on my back in this sea of confusion until something solid comes by for me to grab onto. Either that or I'll lash out in one direction when the fear of drowning or dying adrift overwhelms me.
Well tonight's another night of drinking a one dollar beer and forgetting all that I just mentioned. Hopefully when I return home the words I've been searching for will flow freely onto the paper and my crummy little fanfic will take form in a way that pleases me. Who cares what others think? They'll never read it unless I die and someone gets curious, or if I grow tired of keeping it inside and let it out here. Who knows.
- Current Mood: melancholy
- Current Music:open mic
What a day... or week... or crazy span of life.
Lots of changes and adventures have happened recently and even though some have been good, I'm left with a bad taste in my mouth and a desire for change. BIG change. Crap, so as soon as I sit down to write I get a call from my boss...
"Can you come in now?"
*sigh* I wanted a whole hour to catch up because I am in a writing mood. Damn. I really wanted to avoid work today due to all the drama that's going on. Well, what am I to do? I gotta go in because after all I did just get a raise. I'll be back later to finish up talking.
Okay it's a few days later and here I go:
-Work's gotten weird. Really weird. One of my friends who happens to be my coworker later in life than she was my friend, started dating my boss. Long story short 1st she asked if I liked my boss and I said no because at the time I didn't. 2nd I started to crush on him because she was right that we do have so much in common. 3rd him and I go get drunk and he starts telling me that he likes someone. I guess her. He lies to me and says no. He did. 4th she calls him nonstop and complains that he's started to like her when at this point she knows I was crushing on him. 5th she has him sleep over. He tries to tell her he loves her. 6th I know all this, he thinks I don't so he lies to me, and then I'm stuck between lies, friends, coworkers. This whole thing has stressed me out at work and outside of work if I hang out with her. It's put me in the middle of them and other coworkers who suspect something and want to ask me. It's taken time away from hanging out with either one because he wants to spend all his time with her, meaning I can't spend time with either one. I'm pissed also because he's done things that are dishonest and disrespectful throughout this whole thing. So yeah...drama.
-I went down to NC and it was so weird. I felt like I was going back home. I love the area, the mountains. I felt focused and at peace. I'm looking toward moving there, but it all comes down to jobs. Can I find one that gives me more than my current one? We will soon see.
-So I think I'm more okay with the idea of "god" now more than ever. Ever since I was under 10years old. It's funny how I knew then that I had problems with Christianity. Anyways, I asked for a sign one day and got it. Not a sign to believe in God, but a sign from Life about my life. It came. I think life's a weird sneaky sort of creature, but I dig it. I dig it like the Tick digs pez.
-The soul too is a sneaky lot. It's got good camo, and it knows many terrains. It's adaptable and very fluid being able to blend into many different situations. I think I'm coming to terms with myself and it makes me happy. I wish I just had the gull to dress in drag in public though.
-Once again my Uncle comes in to save the day. I love my family, most of it.
Art and Jobs
-Still working on both... I forgot why I posted this, but I'm sure more will follow at a later date.
I hope I can keep my head held up high through everything.
I've been without internet since January, but I've been posting short posts at work. Unfortunately with it being the summer, things have gotten busy there and in my own life too. I've been working on art slowly, writing smutty fanfic, writing by hand in my personal journal, and trying to spend time with friends or soul searching as much as possible. I've also been trying hard to not hate people and to enjoy my life as much as possible. I recently have been reading many books including "Women in Pants," "She's Not There," The Sesame Street 40 year anniversary book, and more. My love of Jim Henson Studios has grown, but unfortunately my self confidence has not. Once again I am thinking that I am not good enough for something that I would love to do. I have also started to doubt who I am because I cannot fit myself into a label. However, I am reminded constantly that labels are no where near the truth only because it would take an eternity of label use to describe just one aspect of one person. So I am trying to just be who I am and who I want to be. I am also trying to do that in a location where I do not feel right in. So it's a struggle, but I think happiness is possible anywhere. Hopefully I can make this be true :) Oh well, I'm off to write some more fanfic probably about Ernie and Bert, my favorite couple.
- Current Location:coffee house, then Rocky Horror Picture Show!
Goals get fulfilled.
People gather and disperse.
Fun times are had.
Memories are made.
Life is glorious, mysterious.
Life is precious and fleeting.
Life remains full of questions,
What is there to do but keep on living?
Keep on sharing and caring.
Treasuring the absurd...
Turfs of fur from cat fights
... to be continued
Things have been good.
Things have been bad.
I'm having a spiritual breakdown.
Now, I dig Christianity cuz I dig Jesus, but I'm not what you'd call Christian. However yesterday, I broke down when I looked at what I'm doing with my life. How does working as an assistant manager at a store = living by Jesus' example? I think Jesus was a cool guy, a saving example of how to live, and how to save humanity, but I think he died. Nonetheless, I look there for inspiration. Some days I look to the Muppets, Don Quixote, The Tick, but never like how I look at Jesus. Anywho, I don't like what is happening to society. I love live, and yet I hate what being alive as part of the human race does to all other life.
I was happy yesterday.
Then yesterday, I broke down.
I am lost.
I feel like I want to be a hero, but can only be a side kick.
I don't have a hero to kick for...
What the hell am I supposed to do?
- Current Music:Ducks
- Current Mood: happy
So I've been wanting to work on art daily, but I haven't been able to find what subject matter will do or what media I want to work with. I think I finally found what subject matter I want to focus on: Super Heroes
Batman and The Tick mostly
Now I just have to see what medium. Maybe watercolor. What I really should be doing is finishing up my boss's painting. He comes back into town in a month, and I really should have it done. I'm having a hard time figuring out how to transfer an image onto the canvas. The problem with doing it is that it has to be right. With how I paint, I cannot make any mistakes because it would show through my transparent layers. I'm thinking about getting an acetone marker and then photo copying the image I want backwards and then transferring it that way to the canvas. I'm glad I worked at an art store for two years. I learned more there than I did during the 4 years I spent in college as an art eduction student. Haha imagine that.
Other things that I've been meddling around with in my brain including putting myself up for a voluntary sterilization procedure. I found out that the insurance that my job provides would cover it. I'm not sure if it would cover that whole cost or just part, but it's something that I've been thinking about for a long long time. I never want to give birth to children. I might want kids, but I never ever want to be pregnant. Adoption is something that I've also thought about as maybe being a part of my far off future. But as for now, I'm seriously considering if I want this procedure.
1: I never want to give birth to a child.
2: I never want an abortion. I personally do not believe it would ever be right for me even if I were raped. This is a personal belief that I'd never ever force onto any other human being.
3: I would like one day to have sex. I'm a 27 year old virgin who, as odd as it sounds, has slightly conservative views on my personal sex life. Ideally, I want to be married before I do have it, but I've also stopped from engaging in the act from people with whom I would have liked to try it. If it were an option, I'd still consider holding out for the right one, but now it's not even an option due to reasons 1 and 2.
1: It's a surgery. Things could go wrong.
2: It'd be on my medical records, and despite them being private, it would still be recorded.
3: I feel like I could be judged upon this decision.
4: I'd have to tell someone because I would need a ride home.
5: Social pressure makes me feel like I'm making a wrong/bad choice.
Numbers 2-5 in the cons section are almost not real cons. There are cons that I think might be cons but could also never ever matter. #1 is a con. I think I often struggle in my own daily life with cons for things that might not even be real cons. I think the projected societal norms that I feel pushed onto me might not even be there. Does it make me me crazy that I an imaginary force that might not be there is influencing my decisions? After I wrote that, I realized that I'm about as crazy as a religious person, so I'd have to say no. It's probably pretty normal that many people feel pressure to ignore, deny, or change what they do due to external expectations. I just need to start being me.
And since I'm on that subject:
Random Fact of the Day:
Elmer's glue holds on fake facial hair pretty well, but peals off way too soon. Spray glue does an excellent job, but is bad for your skin, and it is hard to control its coverage area. Yesterday I gave myself nice sideburns and a nice mustache/tiny beard combo. I used my own hair that pulled from my brush and cut into tiny shavings.
I think it looked good despite my silly expression. But that's it for today's post. Hope it was good.
- Current Mood: curious
- Current Mood: artistic
- Current Music:a fountain
This is what I typed to see 2 kittens:
"So I haven't written for a log time, but I figured that I would try this whole written kitten thing. I know some people type the same thing over and over again, but I feel like that's cheating. I'm also not going to copy and paste , because that too is cheating. I'm going to try to pull a Monk thing and write whatever is on my mind just to use up words, except my ink is not gold, it is for the desire of kittens. Okay so just a few more and then I will be able to see a cute kitty face... Oh no! It's not as cute as I hoped :( So here I go so more just to see another cat's cute face. Whoever thought of this idea was freaking smart!!! Okay I'm at one hundred and forty three words and that now leaves me with only one forty six more to go. Well I could also talk about how I love Sam Beckett and how I want to jump his bones oh so hard. I could say more on this topic, but I think soon I will have enough words for another kitten. Here it is. Awwwww!!!!"
Hahahha! I can't believe how cute the second kitten was. I wish I had the internet at home so I could use LJ and writtenkitten more. Right now I've been hooked on Quantum Leap though. Oh my gosh have I been hooked. I have been drooling over him, thinking about him when I touch myself. Is that weird? I guess I really don't care if it is. He's the perfect t.v. hero of all time... traveling through time to right what once was wrong, trying to make it back home. What a meaningful story for a show to be based on. Wow.
I love it!
- Current Location:work
- Current Mood: have to pee
- Current Music:track 5